The Hate List – Volume 10

(Originally published on 25th October, 2001)

  1. Someone who will buy a round and then keep reminding everyone all night that they did, as if we should feel guilty, or give that person special treatment.
  2. Charges for toilets. I really object to being asked to pay for something that I could do against the wall outside. Exactly what service am I getting for my money? None. The wall it is, then.
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The Hate List – Volume 9

(Originally published on 6th September, 2000)

  1. Charlie Dimmock. It’s a shaming reflection on men in general that this woman has reached such a level of fame and success, simply by not wearing a bra. The fact is that she’s actually profoundly unattractive, yet she enjoys a huge popular celebrity status which can only be attributed to her poor, saggy, unkempt breasts.
  2. Richard Whiteley. I can’t believe this man has escaped my lists so far. Countdown is turned into string of bumbling discourse and awkward silences by a man who is simply an incompetent presenter.
  3. The coccix. If I were leading an advanced biotech research team investigating human gene manipulation, my first priority would be to get rid of this little bastard.
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The Hate List – Volume 8

(Originally published in 1999 or 2000)

  1. Ex-“New” Labour spin-doctor Derek Draper: an unbelievably pretentious, hypocritical, self-important, right-wing tosser. On Question Time once he said that smoking should be banned outright, and when asked if he’d ever tried it, uttered the words, “I’ve never touched a cigarette in my life. I’ve tried a cannabis cigarette.”
  2. People who say that because A is so much better than B, you can’t compare them. That IS a comparison.
  3. People who say “y’know” (especially the culturally-subnormal American types on talk shows) If we did know, then haven’t you just wasted your time saying it?
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The Hate List – A Selection from Volumes 1 to 7

(Originally published between 1997 and 1999)

  1. The sort of widespread ignorance of computers and the internet which was endemic in the late 90s, and resulted in incidents such as a Ford TV ad which ended with, “E-mail us at www.ford.com”. Unfortunately, if you look up Senator Ted Stevens you’ll find that such ignorance is still widespread, especially among exactly those people in charge of regulating the internet.
  2. When a written document is shown in a film or TV programme, and you don’t know whether it’s important to the plot to read it or not. Then you try to anyway, but only catch a bit of it, and spend the next ten minutes of the film worrying that you missed something crucial.
  3. People who think the only way to type a capital letter on a computer is to press Caps Lock, press the letter and take Caps Lock off again.
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Worst Adverts of the Year 2010

(Originally published on 11th January, 2011)

I didn’t watch much television in 2010, so I didn’t get to see many dreadful, hateworthy adverts. Good news for me, bad news for Worst Adverts of 2010. This year’s list is therefore much less extensive than last year’s. In fact, it’s just a handful of ads I happened to catch which annoyed me for various reasons. I’m sure there were much worse, which you’ll have seen and hated yourself, but here are mine.

At the start of the year, Renault managed to combine both a sneakily misleading claim, and a ridiculous bare-faced lie, in one advert. The former: launching a TV campaign on 1/1/10 which boasted that they would have zero emission cars “next year”. The latter: the claim that Renault has “been there for every revolution in society.” Really? Didn’t notice them at Wat Tyler’s Peasants’ Revolt of 1381.

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Worst Adverts of the Year 2009

(Originally published on 29th January, 2010)

A Hate List spin-off, which I’d vaguely been thinking about doing for about 15 years before finally getting around to it. Presented in the lazy, tired format of an annual awards presentation.

The “I Want To Punch You, Not Buy Your Product” Award

Runner Up: Pringles

“Oh wow! They’re in a bag. I wasn’t expecting the bag.” Presumably because you’re a total cunt in a Pringles advert. Actually, I suspect the end of this vox pops was cut in editing: “I wasn’t expecting the bag… But I was expecting some foul, salty papier-mâché discs, and those expectations have been met.”

Winner: Envirofone

One of the worst vox pops adverts of all time. Every single person who appears in this heinous clip makes you want to kick them in the nuts or fanny as appropriate. There’s a lot more that’s wrong with this whole concept, such as the fact that the company name infers it’s a primarily environmental project, but the ad shoehorns in the issue of the environment right at the very end as an afterthought, after spending 95% of it telling you how much “WONGA!!!” and “READIES!!!” you could get. (Note to admen: try speaking to some real people. Seriously.) But mainly it’s a neck-and-neck competition to see who can annoy you the most in just a few words ham-acted to camera. For me, the “WONGA!!!” guy narrowly loses out to the chap who apparently has an orgasm at the idea of “ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!!!”

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