So, I finally got around to doing something I should have done a long time ago: deleting my Xitter* account.
*That’s the website formerly known as Twitter. I believe the X is pronounced as it is in Chinese or Catalan, with a “sh” sound.
To be honest, I haven’t really used it for a long time. I largely stopped tweeting after the fiasco of the 2019 UK general election. This was in frustration at the self-defeating tribalism and bickering I’d seen between opponents of Brexit – those of either Labour or Liberal Democrat leanings – which of course resulted in everything those people collectively didn’t want: a whopping Boris Johnson majority and a shambolic exit from the EU.
The idea of shouting my political wisdom into the void felt more than usually pointless after that. Aside from a handful of tweets, I pretty much gave up on Twitter at that point. But I didn’t see any particular need to delete my account entirely. However, the site’s transition to a sewer of far-right disinformation and bootlicking changed that. So now my account is gone.
The majority of my xits were political, but a few weren’t. Here’s a pick of the latter:
Defending the end of a computer game level… like a boss.
Apr 22, 2012
Holding a clamp in some laboratory apparatus… like a boss.
Apr 22, 2012
Singing along to Born To Run… like The Boss.
Apr 22, 2012
The Ramones are now more successful as a t-shirt brand than they ever were as a punk rock band.
Sep 16, 2012
I just can’t get enough of medieval Muslim north Africans. I think it’s because they’re so Moorish.
Mar 23, 2013
Not many things have more pathos than a smashed Henry Hoover staring imploringly at you from a fly tipping site.
May 1, 2013
“The English language’s noun stacking ability” – another fine example of the English language’s noun stacking ability.
May 28, 2013
Hey guys, I just discovered a new range of mountains! It’s going to be massif!
Jun 17, 2013
If I had one time machine trip, I’d be tempted to waste it, just to kidnap the Pope and show him Joseph and Mary having it off.
Sep 1, 2013
If an actor has a natural London accent, as their career length increases, the probability of them taking a role on Eastenders approaches 1.
Sep 11, 2013
I estimate the anticlockwise carriageway of the M25 is about 125m shorter than the clockwise one, making the journey 4s quicker at 70mph.
Oct 30, 2013
How often is it normal to think about the Great Vowel Shift? I average about once every three to four days.
Dec 10, 2013
Hemingway writes so beautifully about the power and allure of alcohol, it almost makes you want to become an alcoholic yourself.
Dec 24, 2013
I just can’t summon up the tribalism needed to care which group of American PhD students can move fastest up a river. #boatrace
Apr 6, 2014
“Around the survivors, a perimeter create.” – the worst line of film dialogue ever written? #StarWars #AttackoftheClones
May 10, 2014
What’s the point of mild cheddar?
Jul 19, 2014
When I’m in charge, to get a tattoo in a foreign language you’ll first have to earn a GCSE or equivalent in that language.
Nov 20, 2014
“I don’t eat wheat, it’s not been in our diet long enough for us to evolve to digest it”
*serves vegetables brought from new world in 1500s*
Jul 24, 2015
‘Missing’ by Everything But The Girl fundamentally misunderstands the nature of desert ecosystems.
Oct 28, 2015
“and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain” – what, you’re specifically adapted to survive without me for long periods of time?
Oct 28, 2015
Somehow the Airblade doesn’t seem so hygienic when you can feel the droplets spattering on your face
Mar 12, 2016
“My wife’s acting was reviewed by one of those Chinese bear critics.”
“Panda?”
“No, it was quite complimentary, actually.”
Apr 8, 2016
“My wife went on holiday to an obscure Eastern European country.”
“Was it Moldova?”
“No, more a spur of the moment thing.”
Apr 9, 2016
“My wife and I did a tour of Dutch cities.”
“Utrecht?”
“No, we took the train.”
Apr 14, 2016
Tim Henman’s favourite recipe is a venison and rabbit terrine, flavoured with green tea. It’s called game, set and matcha.
Apr 29, 2016
Lincoln Cathedral, completed 1311, was the first building taller than the Pyramids. Humans didn’t build anything higher until 1874.
Aug 3, 2016
How do ISIS staff provide updates to their senior leaders? With a Daeshboard
Oct 6, 2016
Talking of confusing date formats: in the doc I’m reading, YYYY-MM means Mth month of financial year ending in Y: so 2017-09 is Dec 2016.
Feb 14, 2017
Client “isn’t joined up enough”. So 3 directors each hire rival consultants for separate projects promoting “joined up working”. True story.
Mar 13, 2017
Reading the list of Arthurian characters is fascinating. They all have the same linguistic background, but forgotten ones sound mythical and exotic (Galeschin, Melehan, Orgeluse), while others sound ridiculous through familiarity (Gareth, Lionel, Elaine).
Jan 19, 2018
Did You Know?
There are 9 laughing emojis – 😀😃😄😁😆😅😂🤣 – but 8 are never used, because people never laugh at anything less than crying, head-tilting intensity.
Jan 29, 2018
I don’t know whether you can cross a Wolfhound with a Chihuahua, but if you can, it should be called a Wolfhuahua.
Feb 3, 2018
Why are council staff so bad at looking after their work clothes? Because they have no overall control. #LocalGovernmentHumour
Feb 23, 2018
How do local government officers put up posters? Using council tacks. #LocalGovernmentHumour
Feb 23, 2018
“Bender”: homophobic insult
“Ben, durrhh”: homophonic insult
Jun 8, 2018
I’d like to see an analysis of Quantum Leap that looks at all the times they took a course of action after Ziggy gave a % chance of it working, and how frequently it actually worked out.
Jul 21, 2018
A man walks into a drinking venue called “The Rigid Obstruction”.
Inside are a racial, a national and a professional stereotype, discussing their spouses.
“Consider, and also remove, my wife,” one says.
“I wouldn’t want to do that,” says the man.
“Why not?”
“Meta.”
Jul 31, 2018
I’d like to propose the Barn Door Corollary: the safest place to keep your horse is the barn from which a horse has most recently bolted, because they’re now busy making damn sure the door’s closed.
Sep 24, 2018
How do you mansplain probabilities to someone who calculates them for a living?
“Well, actuarially…”
Jul 18, 2019
Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End) by The Darkness deserves a much higher place in the Christmas pop canon.
Dec 4, 2019
It’s been 25 years since a new pop song entered the canon of Christmas classics (1994’s All I Want For Christmas Is You)
Dec 4, 2019
If Die Hard “isn’t a Christmas film” because while “it’s set at Christmas”, it doesn’t have the right “uplifting Christmas themes”, then in what sense is Fairytale of New York a Christmas song?
Dec 11, 2019
That bit in Bing when Flop calmly approaches the goose and scares it away by popping a paper bag is the pre-school equivalent of Atticus Finch shooting the rabid dog.
Aug 12, 2021
My earlier tweet was wrong. I now realise the most recent song to be accepted into the Christmas pop canon is Kelly Clarkson’s Underneath the Tree (2013).
Dec 12, 2021
What do you call a hackathon where everyone writes programs which output their own source code, and then rates each other’s efforts?
Come Quine With Me
Apr 24, 2022
