(Originally published in 1999 or 2000)

1. Ex-“New” Labour spin-doctor Derek Draper: an unbelievably pretentious, hypocritical, self-important, right-wing tosser. On Question Time once he said that smoking should be banned outright, and when asked if he’d ever tried it, uttered the words, “I’ve never touched a cigarette in my life. I’ve tried a cannabis cigarette.”
2. People who say that because A is so much better than B, you can’t compare them. That IS a comparison.
3. People who say “y’know” (especially the culturally-subnormal American types on talk shows) If we did know, then haven’t you just wasted your time saying it?
4. People who say “How can there be a Never-Ending Story 2?” as if it’s some kind of hilariously witty observation they’ve thought up. Firstly, it could be a continuation of the Never-Ending Story, ie. ‘The Never-Ending Story, Part II’ – in which case, it actually would be even sillier for there NOT to be a sequel, or in fact, an infinite number of sequels. Secondly, if these people had actually watched the first film, they’d realise that it is never-ending in that there are an infinite number of layers of stories, each contained within the next one up, NOT that the story lasts forever chronologically.
5. The “gangs” that seem to exist in America for no reason at all. American talk shows like Ricki Lake have various episodes in which “gang members” are asked by their families or friends to leave their “gangs”, for example. What the hell is the point of these “gangs”? They’re not criminal industry gangs, so they don’t have any real reason to exist, like, say, the prohibition-era organisations or the Mafia. They’re just a load of kids who want to feel big. They don’t seem to be racially-based, and choice of “gang” seems arbitrary, yet they say that they’d live and die for their “gang”. But they don’t mean a fucking thing! You stupid kids, go and join the fucking army!
6. ‘The Entertainer’ by Scott Joplin
7. The smell of your hands after wearing rubber gloves.
8. TV programmes that show their ‘hilarious’ out-takes during the credits at the end. All it ever is is someone forgetting their line, saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve completely forgotten my line” and giggling. Also, and this seems almost calculated personally to annoy me, S Club 7’s TV series did this as well.
9. People who think that fish, birds, insects, and so on aren’t animals. Look you idiots, you’re confusing ‘animal’ with ‘mammal’… there are even some plankton that are animals. Jeez.
10. Addresses written as ‘[county town], [county]’ such as ‘Lincoln, Lincolnshire’. That’s a clanging redundancy if I ever saw one. Technically all an address needs is the house number and postcode: anything else is just back-up or decoration. Helpfully telling people at the sorting office (who are presumably very familiar with places and their locations) that Leicester is in Leicestershire is maybe just a little bit patronising.
11. Further, addresses with house ‘names’ written on them, for example, ‘Sunny Cottage, 15 Long Road’ or even worse, when the house number is not included – ‘Sunny Cottage, Long Road’. The house name is just a silly, conceited affectation, and not part of an address. When it’s given INSTEAD of the house number, that’s just irresponsible. Don’t people realise that a house name is not an official designation? There’s no reason why there shouldn’t be two ‘Sunny Cottages’ on Long Road, however, there is a reason why there aren’t two number 15s on Long Road, because they were planned and ordered that way specifically so post could be delivered properly. So don’t fuck with the system!
12. House ‘names’ themselves. Maybe not an old country cottage covered with centuries’ growth of ivy, which has been called ‘Ivy Cottage’ longer than anyone remembers… but new, horrible suburban bungalows and houses, all looking the same, all dull and characterless and surrounded by nothing but more identically-styled suburban houses, and their owners who have the, well, sheer contempt for reality to put up a plaque saying ‘Evergreen’ or ‘The Glades’. All down my road, there are mass-produced bungalows with names on them such as ‘Sunnydale’ and ‘The Cottage’. It’s not in a sunny dale! It’s not a cottage! Accept it!
13. People who reply to, “What’s the meaning of life?”, with “42”. Most people have either read the book or heard of that particular part of it before. “42” is no longer a surprising and interesting answer. It’s just as clichéd now as the question it was making fun of. In any case, it’s not “the meaning of life” at all. It’s the Answer to the Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, and that Question isn’t, “What is the meaning of life?”
14. Carol Vorderman. Television whore. Few people have prostituted themselves to an entertainment medium so thoroughly. Her crimes include, but are not limited to, the following. The infamous simultaneous appearance on every channel incident. The way she’ll take any job to increase her profile, even though her Countdown salary is itself enough to support several people for life. The sheer predictability of her appearing on ‘Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’. Her Benecol adverts: apparently having a token clever person sit watching molecular animations on a computer screen constitutes scientific proof. Her self-styled role as Britain’s cleverest person, on the basis that she can do mental arithmetic quickly.
15. Moths. They swarm in if you leave the window open and a light on, infest your house, eat your clothes, and when you squish them they cover everything in their horrible wing-powder.