(Originally published on 25th July, 2002)

1. The word ‘beastiality’. As if ‘bestiality’ just means any sex, and one has to pun it with the word ‘beast’ to talk about animal sex. Look, you etymologically-challenged fuckwits, ‘bestiality’ comes from the Latin ‘bestia’ meaning ‘beast’. Which leads to my next hate…
2. Puns between two words which come from exactly the same root, like ‘beastiality’ above, or ‘terror-riffic’.
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(Originally published on 25th October, 2001)

1. Someone who will buy a round and then keep reminding everyone all night that they did, as if we should feel guilty, or give that person special treatment.
2. Charges for toilets. I really object to being asked to pay for something that I could do against the wall outside. Exactly what service am I getting for my money? None. The wall it is, then.
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(Originally published on 6th September, 2000)

1. Charlie Dimmock. It’s a shaming reflection on men in general that this woman has reached such a level of fame and success, simply by not wearing a bra. The fact is that she’s actually profoundly unattractive, yet she enjoys a huge popular celebrity status which can only be attributed to her poor, saggy, unkempt breasts.
2. Richard Whiteley. I can’t believe this man has escaped my lists so far. Countdown is turned into string of bumbling discourse and awkward silences by a man who is simply an incompetent presenter.
3. The coccix. If I were leading an advanced biotech research team investigating human gene manipulation, my first priority would be to get rid of this little bastard.
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(Originally published in 1999 or 2000)

1. Ex-“New” Labour spin-doctor Derek Draper: an unbelievably pretentious, hypocritical, self-important, right-wing tosser. On Question Time once he said that smoking should be banned outright, and when asked if he’d ever tried it, uttered the words, “I’ve never touched a cigarette in my life. I’ve tried a cannabis cigarette.”
2. People who say that because A is so much better than B, you can’t compare them. That IS a comparison.
3. People who say “y’know” (especially the culturally-subnormal American types on talk shows) If we did know, then haven’t you just wasted your time saying it?
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(Originally published between 1997 and 1999)

1. The sort of widespread ignorance of computers and the internet which was endemic in the late 90s, and resulted in incidents such as a Ford TV ad which ended with, “E-mail us at www.ford.com”. Unfortunately, if you look up Senator Ted Stevens you’ll find that such ignorance is still widespread, especially among exactly those people in charge of regulating the internet.
2. When a written document is shown in a film or TV programme, and you don’t know whether it’s important to the plot to read it or not. Then you try to anyway, but only catch a bit of it, and spend the next ten minutes of the film worrying that you missed something crucial.
3. People who think the only way to type a capital letter on a computer is to press Caps Lock, press the letter and take Caps Lock off again.
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